Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Identifying Posers (AKA: LOOK OUT! THERE'S A POSER BEHIND YOU!)

I have finally been able to come back to my beloved site and update more exciting information for my readers. Many of you may be wondering where I have been. Well, the answer is I was out on a top secret research for my latest post. The date says this is older, but this has just been a draft since I've been out on my expedition. I know most of you may have basic knowledge to determine if someone who is near you may be some form of a poser, but I decided to take you further with the most common and sickening groups of all. The groups I will be discussing this time are Skater, Emo/Goth, Intellectual, Rocker, and Gay posers.

Skater

The first class of posers are those that consider themselves skateboarders. They will often be wearing $30 skateboard tees and $70 tight jeans. Despite the fact that they spend more on clothes than Hulk Hogan spends on boas, they sometimes bash "The Man" for keeping them down and not allowing them to skateboard in front of them old folks home. The Skater posers often use this excuse for not actually skateboarding, or the fact that they can't get their sister's new jeans dirty.

Some quick tips for picking out a poser among the real thing will now be given. The most common and easiest clue that the "skater" is not true to his own guidelines of coolnessity is they prefer caring their board (graphics out) instead of riding it. Notice how the example above seems to be going downhill at a moderate rate, yet he is still caring his board. POSER IDENTIFIED.

For their downhill counterparts, snowboarders, the posers are usually the ones who sit in front of the jump/rail/barrel and wait for someone to "hit it". If someone actually tries to hit something, and fails, the posers are the first ones to criticize.

Emo/Goth

Perhaps the most contradicting group of posers are those who consider themselves Emo and/or Goth. You know, black hair, makeup, clothes, and anything else that they can wear is often black. The posers of the Emo/Goth groups often criticize the rest of the world for what they wear, because it is too mainstream and usually similar to what many other people wear. The posers of this group will then drown themselves with self-appreciation at how Emos/Goths are more nonconforming then everyone else. This often is a clear give away that they are posers in $80 Marilyn Manson sweatshirt disguise.
Although skaters and emos/goths usually don't get along, their groups often have them same poserist attributes. They include expensive clothing that is supposed to show how anti-establishment they are, mock others for their differences but like their differences, and appeal to tight jeans. Posers from the Emo and Goth groups pose little threat to your personal well-being and are not considered dangerous at all.
Intellectuals

The pseudo-intellectuals, as they are often refered to as, are often the teachers and professors who have egos bigger and more explosive than Rosie O'Donnald. They often complain about how all of his/her students will never amount to much and complain about their surroundings. They also boast how they have I.Q.s over 170, yet usually don't realize that they are telling this to teenagers and college students instead of Stephen Hawking or the other guy, the one Hawking takes credit from about black holes. Usually these are the posers that most people learn to despise and learn from as they grow up and makes them into better people.

Not all pseudo-intellectuals are in teaching areas, sadly some start out an early age, such as when it is o.k. to be smart and still live at home. If you suspect you are in the neighboring area of a student P.I., it is best not to bring up anything scientific. If you do, they will pin you down and try their best to recite their Physics book, and of course, do badly at it.

Rocker

Yea....I've already gone of these guys. An overall addition to that is they usually make the love sign instead of the rock sign with their hands. Thumbs in at a Ted Nugent concert, not out!

Gay

Of all the posers, the gay posers actually have a very good idea. Not saying that all people who say they are gay are posers, just that the ones that may fall under the following criteria are. I, like many non-ultra-conservative people, don't have any problem with gay people, just the posers. Giving the example above, you can fill in that blank with such things as: Bra shopping, bra testing, bra fitting, having a single bed sleep-over, and practice making out.

If they get away with those kind of things because they are gay, and always like doing that, they are possibly, but not likely, pretending to be gay to get closer to girls. If Puuda wasn't already a sexy ladies' man, I'd consider this a possible option.

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With the given information, you too can identify a poser.

Warning: Even with the most sophisticated Poser detecting skills, you may actually misidentify someone as a poser when they really aren't.

3 comments:

Lars said...

Informative and entertaining. Not only thumbs in at a Ted Nugent concert, whilst raising the sign high, one must yell, "cluster fuck me" to be truly rock.

Puuda Maggui said...

Oh yes, I forgot about that. You and I should go see Uncle Teddy live sometime.

Chris said...

Go Puuda for being a sexy ladies' man.